My Immortal: Phan Edition
by SmeeeeegHeeaaad
Summary: A (very bad) parody of the (equally as bad) Harry Potter fanfic "My Immortal" by Tara Gilesbie. Amethyst Jessyka Dano'saur Lion Llama Bieber is a "youtuber" who... gets up to stuff with Dan and Phil. It's 1am, I'm tired and I can't think of a summary right now.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **The Phandom is going to hate me for this, but I thought I'd try it anyway. It might be fun. If you don't know what I'm on about, I'm taking the infamous My Immortal fanfic and replacing all the Harry Potter aspects with Phan... stuff. I've also tweaked the main character slightly; she is now even _more_ irritating. I'll probably delete this soon, but I thought I'd just experiment for now. If this offends you, I sincerely apologise. Enjoy!

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AN: Special fanxxx 2 my gf (ewww not in that way) becky, llamatitz111 4 helpin me wiv teh storii n spellin. U rokk! Luke your teh luv of my soshulli-awkwardd lyfe u rok to! BOTDF ROXXXX!

Hi my name is Amethyst Jessyka Dano'saur Lion Llama Bieber and I have long amethyst purple hair (that's how I got my name) with pink dip-dye that reaches my boobs and sexy blue eyes like dolphin tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Sarah Michelle Geller (AN: if u don't know who she is get teh hell out of here!). I'm not related to Justin Bieber but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a nerd but I don't have acne or braces. I have soft peachy skin. I'm also a YouTube vlogger, and I work part time at the BBC Radio 1 studio where I'm doing an apprenticeship (I'm seventeen). I'm a nerd (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly geeky shit. I love teh interwebz and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a blue T-shirt with the word GEEK on it and neon yellow skinny jeans, pink converses and a ton of bracelets. I was wearing pink lipgloss, heavy foundation, black eyeliner and neon eye shadow. I was walking outside the studio. It was not snowing or raining so I couldn't mess up my hair, which I was very happy about. A lot of prudes stared at me. I put up my middle and index fingers at them.

"Hey Amethyst!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Dan Howell!

"What's up Dan?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

:3 :P :L :) :/ :D :S

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell meh fanxxx!

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**AN: **Oh dear... I really should stop now.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Surprisingly, a few people actually _liked _my parody. I had fun writing it, so I thought I would continue.

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AN: Fanxxx 2 llamatitz111 4 helpin me wiv teh chapterrrr! BTW prudez stop flaming meh storii okeii! :P

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining this time. I opened the door of my cage and drank some vodka from a bottle I had. My battery cage was shiny silver and inside it was neon pink velvet with glitter all over the place. I got out of my cage and took of my giant Justin Bieber t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a purple Blood On The Dance Floor t-shirt, a ripped dark-blue denim miniskirt, mismatched shoes and black fishnets on. I put on seven pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Bella Shitstorm (AN: Becky tis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length bleach blonde hair with extensions and opened her lemon-green eyes. She put on her pink Nicki Minaj t-shirt with denim booty shorts, fishnets and silver high-heeled stilettos. We put on our makeup (neon lipstick white foundation bronzer blusher black mascara black eyeliner false eyelashes and neon eyeshadow.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Danisnotonfire yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Dan?" she asked as we went out of our flat and into the pouring rain.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Dan walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, One Direction are having a concert in the O2 Arena" he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love 1D. They are my favorite band, besides BOTDF.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMIN TEH STORII PRUDZ OKEII?! otterwize fanxx 2 teh sexxi phans 4 teh good reveiws! FANX AGEN BECKY! oh yeah, BTW I don't own tis or teh lyrics 4 One Directionnn.

On the night of the concert I put on my neon pink stilettos which showed of my feet. Underneath them were ripped silver fishnets. Then I put on a neon white minidress with all this layered tutu stuff in neon colours like yellow, pink, green and orange. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all poofy on the top layers, like musicalbethan's scene hair. I felt a little awkward then, so I drank some alcohol. I read an erotic book while I waited to sober up and I listened to some 1D. I painted my nails silver and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some neon pink lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because my skin was perfect anyway. I ate some toxic waste so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Dan was waiting there in front of his glowing car. He was wearing a Ke$ha t-shirt (she would play at the show too), tight black skinny jeans, french nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it okeii!).

"Hi Dan!" I said in a socially-awkward voice.

"Hi Amethyst." he said back. We walked into his neon yellow Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 69) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to One Direction and Justin Bieber. We both did cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the the front of the stage and twerked up and down as we listened to One Direction.

"Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy 'till we see the sun  
I know we only met but let's pretend it's love  
And never, never, never stop for anyone  
Tonight let's get some and live while we're young" sang 1D (I don't own teh lyrics 2 taht songgg).

"Harry is so fucking hot." I said to Dan, pointing to him as he sung, filling the arena with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Dan looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we twerked to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Dan sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Harry and he's going out with Taylor fucking Swift. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Dan. After the concert, we snorted some coke and asked Harry and Zayn for their autographs and photos with them. We got 1D concert tees. Dan and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Dan didn't go back to our flats, instead he drove the car into… the BBC Radio 1 studio!

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**AN: **I sincerely apologise to Taylor Swift. Also to Dan, Phil, the members of One Direction and everyone else involved.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming okei amethyst's name is AMYTHEST nut mary sue OKEIIII! DAN IS SOOOOOO IN LUV wiv her that hes acting defrent! they new eachotter b4 OKEIIIIIIIIIII!

"DANIEL!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Dan didn't answer but he stopped the yellow car and he walked into the studio. I walked into it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Amethyst?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Dan leaned in extra-close and I looked into his nerdy green eyes (he was wearing colour contacts) which revealed so much social anxiety and awkwardness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Dan kissed me passionately. Dan climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly inside a recording booth. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my perfect body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was…... a very fat police officer.

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**AN: **I'm sorry this chapter isn't as good!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaminggggg! if u flamee it menz ur a prude or a loserrr! PS im nut updating umtil I get five gud revoiwssssss!

The policeman made and Dan and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of glitter down my intoxicated face. Dan comforted me. When we got to the police station the policeman took us to another policeman and a policewoman who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the BBC Radio 1 Studio!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked the policewoman.

"How dare you?" demanded the other one.

And then Dan shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. The policemen still looked mad but the fat one said. "Fine. Very well. You may go back to your flats."

Dan and I went outside while the police glared at us.

"Are you okay, Amethyst?" Dan asked me gently.

"Fuck YEAH I'm okay!" I laughed. I LOVE getting into trouble with the law! I went to my flat and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a pinkish cardigan which made my boobs look REALLY BIG. When I came out….

Dan was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'what makes you beautiful' by One Direction. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his flat.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **This chapter contains a reference to the skin fic. Dear Phil, I am so, so sorry.

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AN: shjt up prudz okei! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revowssss!

The next day I woke up in my battery cage. I put on a tartan miniskirt that had buckles on the side and a dark green top that said "Talk Nerdy To Me" on it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of pokéball earrings, and two inverted crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with red (cuz my hairs already purple lol).

In Costa Coffee, I ate some Coco Shreddies with vodka instead of milk, and a glass of skittles vodka. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the alcohol spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a nerdy boy with shiny black hair with a long fringe. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing shiny lipgloss. He had glasses now and he had amaaazing blue eyes and there were no cat whiskers on his face anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Northern accent. He looked exactly like The Once-ler from The Lorax (2012). He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Phil Lester, although most people call me Lion these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of peeling skin." he giggled.

"Well, I have skin." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Dan came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7: Bring me 2 life

AN: well okeii u guize im only riting tihs cuz I got 5 gudd reviuws. n BTW I wont rite teh nxt chapterrr til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Anethyst isn't a Marie Sue okeii she isn't perfect SHES SOSHIALLY AWKWERD! n she has problemz shes an achololic 4 godz sakeee!

Dan and I held our long slender hands with silver nail polish as we went to the unisex toilets. I was wearing orange lions and llamas on my nails in silver nail polish (AN: c doez taht sound likee a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Phil. Social ineptitude was in his awkward eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Dan. Anyway, I went into the toilets excitedly with Dan. We went into a cubical and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black lacy bra and he took off his pants. I sat on top of the toilet (dont worry teh lid wuz downn) and spread my legs and we started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is taht stupid?)

"Oh Dan, Dan!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Dan's arm. It was an icy blue heart with an arrow through it. On it in curly black writing were the words… Lion!

I was so angry.

"You son of a fucking twat!" I shouted angrily, jumping down off of the toilet.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Dan pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Dan ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was back in the coffee shop where Phil was sat around a table with a bunch of other people.

"PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing okeii! if u do tehn youu areee a PLACENTA!1!

Everyone in the cafe stared at me and then Dan came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Amethyst, it's not what you think!" Dan screamed sadly.

My friend Carrie Hope Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long curly dark-blonde hair and opened her deep brown eyes like a puppy that she was wearing black eyeliner on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing lots of makeup on. Carrie was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vloggers and one of them is a nerd but her parents died so she was adopted by a family of musicians. She's quite happy now but she still has nightmares about it and she is very awkward and shy. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Fletcher. (Since she is a famous youtuber now she hangs around with me, Dan, Phil and the rest of us. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Ian from Smosh demeaned angrily in his American voice but I ignored him.

"Lion, I can't believe you cheated on me with Dan!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Amethyst was so mad at me. I had went out with Lion (I'm bi and so is Amethyst) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he got a valentines card from Laura, a tiny-mouthed fucker. We were just good friends now. They recently broke up because he kicked her when she tried to play footsie with him. (Haha, like I would hang out with a foot freak.)

"But I'm not going out with Dan anymore!" said Phil.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the coffee shop and into the BBC Radio 1 studio where I had lost my virility to Dan and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: **GOT MY GCSE RESULTS! WOOOO, YEAH! I'm starting 6th form in about a week, so I won't be around to update as much from then onwards.

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AN: stop flaming okei! I dntn wach all teh vidzz! tihs is frum tumblr okei so itz nut my folt if phil swers! BOTDF ROXXXX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Dan for cheating on me. I sat on the pavement and began to cry in front of the studio where I did it with Dan.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with shaved hair and bad teeth and everything started riding towards me on a bike! He had nasty teeth (cuz he smoked when he was a kid) and he was wearing a cap and a tracksuit but it was obvious he wasn't going running. It was..….. Kyle!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Kyle shouted "Innit blud!" and I couldn't run away.

"KABLAM!" I shouted at him. Then I pushed him of his bike and he started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Amethyst, m8." he yelled. "I need yer to kill Phil for me, blad!"

I thought about Lion and his sexah eyes and his shiny black hair and how his face looks just like that guy from Marianas Trench. I remembered that Dan had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Dan went out with Lion before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Kyle!" I shouted back.

Kyle gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Yer must!" he yelled. "If yer don't, I'mma fockin' rip Dan ta shreds, aiight?!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Kyle got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I haz telekinesis, blad!" he answered cruelly. "And if yer don't kill Phil, then ya know what will 'appen to Dan!" he shouted. Then he rode away angrily on his bike.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Dan came running up to me.

"Dan!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing heavy makeup and had messy hair kind of like an inverted cross (geddit) between Harry Styles and Justin Bieber.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all awkwardly and we went back into town together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: **I may have to omit some of Tara's author notes. They're melting my brain! Also, just to forewarn you, this chapter contains bad music.

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I was really scared about Kyle all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my epic crunkcore band The Fantastic Six Placentas. I am the lead singer of it and I play synth. People say that we sound like a cross between 1D, BrokeNCYDE and BOTDF. The other people in the band are Carrie, Phil, Dan, crabstickz (although his real name is Chris) and kickthepj. Only today Dan and Phil were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Dan was probably drowning his sorrows (he wouldn't die because the only way you can kill Dan is by touching his neck) and Lion was probably watching a nerdy film like The Social Network. I put on a neon yellow top that showed off my boobs and tiny black leather miniskirt that said GEEK on the butt. If you think I'm a slut then YOU ARE SLUT-SHAMING!11

We were singing a cover of 'sexting' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Amethyst! Are you OK?" Carrie asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Kyle came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Phil! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Dan. But if I don't kill Phil, then Kyle, will fucking kill Dan!" I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Dan jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you placenta-eating emo bitch!" (c is taht out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Dan started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly the policeman from chapter 4 walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he was hungry.

"What have you done!" He started to cry upstandingly. "Amethyst Dan has been found in his room. He committed suicide by excessive alcohol consumption."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN:** Hey, everyone. It's been a while. I've been very busy with my A-levels at the moment and _will_ be for the next two years. I thought I'd update for now, though. About this chapter: I do love Smosh and hate having to villainize them, but the story just _works_ this way. I also couldn't find a youtuber to replace Hagrid, so hopefully you'll be content with this. Enjoy the next chapter!

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! Carrie tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my flat crying myself. The policeman chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went through my door cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of glitter and then I drained two bottles of vodka. The alcohol got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Justin Bieber song at full volume. I grabbed a razor blade and... started to shave my legs. I was so fucking infuriated! I got out of the bathtub and put on a red low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on matching high heels with gold metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of pokéball earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Anthony was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Ian was masticating to it! They had climbed a tree outside my window.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a white towel with a picture of One Direction on it. Suddenly Phil ran in.

"Asdfghjkl!" he yelled at Ian and Anthony pointing a pretend womb from his magic set. I took my gun and shot Ian and Anthony a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, the policeman ran in. "Amethyst, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Ian and Anthony and then he ate a bagel and suddenly…

Crash Bandicoot ran outside on his Yellow Horde and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Crarsh? You're just an old video game character!"

"I MAY BE A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER…." Crarash paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A YOUTUBER!"

"This cannot be." Anthony said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where my gun had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Ian held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you drink without eating first.

"Why are you doing this?" Ian said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloothes.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite his skin off and eat it like what Dan did to Phil when they were going out.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Crash said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his Fruitzooka in the air. Then swooped he in singing Never Gonna Give You Up.

"Because you're a nerd?" Anthony asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he might hack his YouTube account.

"Because I LOVE HER!"


End file.
